Symptoms:
the loss of desire to bend over near corners, unability to visualize small items on floors, irrational fear of household cleaning apparatus, and inability to turn knob-sized objects attached to household items to 'on' positions. As the disease progresses, there will be an abnormal clustering of small oblong objects (or B.O.M.B.S.) in corners, behind furniture and near doorways. These B.O.M.B.S. (Brown Oblong Mustelid Biological Secretions) are frequently observed during out-gassing events, and are commonly associated with escaped liquids. Accumulation of various plastic bags, newspaper, small balls, and stuffed animals takes place in various regions of the dwelling. There is an abnormal deposition of kibbled-food particles in various areas of the home. In the later stages, an unbearable stench is detectable in small boxes located in various room corners.

Prognosis:
Poor. Radical treatment is necessary, including familial verbal intervention, radical booting, and in severe cases, sock therapy. Terminal cases often are diagnosed by the patient's inability to notice dirt of any kind, including that brown stain on their shoes that they track from room to room.

2: CREEPING YELLOW PALLOR:
This disease is caused by prolonged exposure to electromagnetic radiation escaping from computer monitor screens.

Symptoms:
Reclusion, lack of coherent verbal exchange, inability to exhibit emotion without resorting to punctuation, addiction to capitalized acronyms, and anaclitic attachment to expensive ripoffs of outstanding operating systems (also known as the Windoze or Antimac Syndrome). As the disease progresses, the patient will spend more time discussing their ferrets in chat rooms than actually interacting with them. This is the leading cause of F.E.R.A.L. ferret syndrome (Ferret Escaping Rejection And Languor), and the driving force behind ferreticide. Creeping Yellow Pallor is considered a 'open windows' syndrome, leading to other diseases, such as Flaming Fever, Foot In Mouth Disease, and the terminal Virtual Unreality Syndrome, where anything read on the internet is considered factual, including stories about women with strange appendanges or anything about me. It is often characterized by the inability to recognize satanic evil in small hairy dogs.

Prognosis:
Guarded. Electroshock treatment is helpful, especially when the patient is turning on computer hardware. If a check of the harddrive reveals a hardcore, treatment is ineffective and euthanasia is suggested.

3: FLAMING FEVER:
A horrific, debilitating disease caused by the bacteria, _Egocentris_giganticus_, in which the victim is blinded by ego and forced to expound a biased point of view without regard to facts. Symptoms: Usually associated with Creeping Yellow Pallor, inability to debate, unwillingness to listen, and hydrophobic reactions to reason. The ownership of ferrets acts as a catalyst for Flaming Fever, exacerbaiting the disease to horrific proportions. The bacteria attack the "raison" (technically the raisin-reasoning) center of the brain, causing ferret-related opinions to be interpreted as scientific fact. At the same time, the myelin sheath of the nerves to the mouth deraisonate, causing irrational and oft-time unreasonable statements to be made, as well as delaughinating the humoral center of the brain.

Prognosis:
The disease can only be moderated. Unfortunately, once the diagnostic symptoms appear, the disease has already destroyed the 'raison' center of the brain, leaving the victim with irrational thought, poor verbal judgement, no sense of humor, and extended undies skid marks.

4: FERRET HYPERMATERNALISM:
The cause of this disease is unknown.

Symptoms include:
the irrational fear of long nails, frequent bathing of mustelids, extended inspections of ferret feces and protracted arguments regarding ferret veterinary practices. Visible signs of the disease include the collection of ferret medicines and cleaning supplies, as well as extreme rubber- and boneophobia. This disease, formerly known as 'Babying,' has no cure. Ferrets belonging to owners exhibiting the disease tend to be bored and flabby, with little or no ability to play with other ferrets, but they have great nails.

Prognosis:
Good if treated early and aggressively with the introduction of several intact hobs in rut. Difficult cases require extensive therapy, including forced viewing of children eating boogers, dogs eating poopie, and ferret copulation practices.

5: ACUTE FERRETIPLICATION:
One of the most common diseases affecting ferret owners, this disease is responsible for more ferret accquistion events that any other cause. Thought to be caused by a "ferta" virus, the disease can rapidly spread through the ferret community, especially when K.I.T.S. (Kits In The Store) cannot be avoided.

Symptoms include:
extended visitation of shelters and other ferret sinks, lack of vowel control when viewing K.I.T.S. play, and stockpiling of rescues. This disease is insidious and difficult to control. Theoretical work suggests the arithmatic portion of the brain's numerons are distorted, allowing protracted ferret accquistion events to take place.

Prognosis:
Untreatable. Suggest family members seek counciling or purchase litter and kibble stocks. While not curing the disease, the surgical removal of cash reserves has been helpful is slowing Ferretiplication.